SIG E CAPS

There was an article in the September issue of NEJM that talked about depression in medical students. It seems counterintuitive -- that the prevalence is higher in the clinical years than in the basic science years. One would think that the thrill and rapid change and novelty will excite and solidify one's love of medicine rather than bring on the blues.

Somehow this article made me feel better -- justified everything I've been feeling the last few months. It's difficult - because no matter how difficult the rotation, there is a sense of belonging once one finishes, that the thought of leaving and going into something completely foreign is unpleasant, at times terrifying. One month ago, on the subway to my sub-internship, I wished that the train would stop and I would never arrive. But now, two days into possibly the easiest elective I will do this year, I crave the hectic schedule that last month brought. I longed to wake up at 4 AM everyday to see my patients. Longed for the calls that told me my patient had a fever, and now needed cultures drawn. The admission papers. The daily progress notes. The disappearing temperature boards. The lack of clean utility. I miss everything. And now, bereft of my former setting, which I view both with contempt and fondness, it is hard to pull myself out of this depression.

But this is nothing new. Relationship are ephemeral in the time of rapid change, and there is the sense always of being lost, alone, never really belonging anywhere. You build your reputation one place, work so hard to impress yourself upon others, only to have to do it all over again. It becomes tiresome, and depressing.

I just wish there were some way I can pull myself out of this.